That was not meant to be a clickbait, but you were tickled to click it.

Sex is a loaded term, but we can all relate to it.

Balls, vaginas, penises, butts, boobs, these are all things we have.

So idk, get over it.

(-_-)╭∩╮

– ƴΐ⍧ի⍲e⌊ ⅋ yӭ𐦤⚇⍕⍑

On the Inequality between
Vaginal and Penal Vegetabilia

Men don't have enough produce to fuck, and, the origin of donuts

When it comes to having sex with fruits and vegetables, vaginas have it easier than penises. From the standard banana, to the more adventurous bulliform eggplants and studded cucumbers, the produce section is an aisle of sexual fantasies.

For men, however, it is not so easy. Sure, there’s the canonical grapefruit technique. But you have to take the extra step of cutting a hole into the grapefruit, which kind of defeats the purpose.

Every man knows the disappointment of trying to have sex with farm-to-table natural foods. Sure, you can stick it in a bowl of fresh raspberries, but the price just isn't sustainable. Cheaper fruits like pears and apples aren't nearly as satisfying, texture-wise.

This dichotomy has led to some seriously wonderful culinary inventions that people of all sexual orientations enjoy today.

The reason donuts are shaped like a torus is for men to be able to penetrate them. What else would be the point of cutting out that hole? You end up eating that part, too, as a donut hole, which is shaped not like holes but balls, so there's no point in cutting it out. The only viable reason we can think of is to give men food they can easily stick their penises in.

Donuts were actually invented because bagels weren't slippery enough to have sex with. Facing this problem head on, an American mother and her son had the bright idea to lube them up with glaze and icing, so that problem was solved.

At this point, you may be thinking, you are missing the most obvious vagina-shaped food. Oysters have an uncanny resemblance to the labia! Why not use oysters? The reason is simple: they do not have the required depth. The only realistic sexual purpose they serve is to mimic the cunnilingus process, for which its brine could help. However, since oysters do not provide the same pleasure response as a vagina, men cannot derive much pleasure without the responsive signals of pleasure and satisfaction.

Case in point, there are way more dick-shaped fruits and vegetables than vagina-shaped fruits and vegetables, and that's the way God (shout out) intended. Next time you're attending Sunday mass, ask your preacher, what does it mean that God made most of our natural fruits and vegetables shaped like penises instead of vaginas? He probably won't answer, because the Bible explicitly forbids freaky shit.

On the Ubiquity of Phallic Objects

The inequality of genital representation in produce extends to a lot of non-produce things:

• buildings
• pens
• swords
• shake weights
• microphones
• spots on cows
• certain guitars
• Tucker Carlson's weird face
• words

There are so many fucking words that mean penis. Penelope Eckert, A professor emerita of linguistics at Stanford, has even compiled a "List of Penis Terms (in order of production)" as a PDF for anyone to print and carry around.

(shout out to Penelope Eckert)

Some of these make sense:

|– banana –| |– the worm –| |– fuck truck –|
|– one eyed monster –| |– undercover brother –|

Some of them make you think again about the penis you know:

|– Octagon –| |– Landmine –| |– Chairman Mao –| |– Nebraska State Capitol –|

Wait, Nebraska State Capitol?

But that's not that special.

Almost every building is, in its form, phallic.

If it exists, anyone can pretty much argue that it's kind of phallic.

Thankfully, some pioneering architects have created some vagina-shaped buildings. This has given humans with penises an option beyond food to try to penetrate if they are big enough.

Six vulva-shaped designs including skyscrapers, stadiums and a spaceship

Following the unveiling of the Vulva Spaceship concept last week, we have rounded up five structures that commenters have compared to female genitalia.

DezeenCajsa Carlson

One may argue that it is merely our inveterate nature to see patterns and desire for comedic and taboo things that lead us to see everything as phallic.

Others may argue that phallic symbolism is the product of a Freudian psychosexual development phase we all went through as toddlers.

I don't know, but even these vagina buildings kind of look like dicks.

And what about Jeff Bezos' rocket? Are you going to say it's just modeled after his head? Or are you going to admit that it looks more like his penis? Perhaps his penis looks like his head. Or the other way around?

Imagine blasting up to space in a rocket ship modeled after your own dick or vagina. If we ever see some crazy-looking UFO, it'll be safe to assume that it has be modeled after their reproductive organs. That's how we're going to outsmart the aliens, we'll figure out how they procreate by observing their vehicle design then blast football field sized pornos at their telescopes. Like every other gametogenetical beings, they'll be obsessed with it and the power will be ours.

Until then, you cannot unsee the things that we've molded like our genitals, everywhere.

Challenging Our Prejudice Against Artists

The Rhode Island School of Design, more commonly known as RISD (pronounced 'Ree's Dee'), is one of the best art schools in the U.S.

While they are well known for their arts, most people are unaware of their exceptional athletics program, perhaps because of our subconscious prejudice that "artists are skinny and unathletic."

Here, we highlight their exceptional athletics program to make a small dent in our biases.

Their hockey team, the "Nads" have an exceptional cheer, "Go Nads!"

And their basketball team is the "Balls", proudly proclaiming themselves to be the "Best Art School Basketball Team in the World."

Both teams, unsurprisingly, have exceptional logos with subtle symbolism.

What makes the "Nads" truly stand out, however, is their mascot, "Scrotie."

It goes without saying that the RISD Balls design beautiful posters for their games.

RISD also has exceptional music activities, including the acapella group, "Oral Fixation."

I hope this made you rethink your preconceptions.

Or at least I hope this reinforces your existing preconception that artists are sexy.

The Flower That Smells Like a Dead Man

There are not many news about flowers. It's always about wars and disasters.

But a flower nicknamed the "Corpse Flower" is a notable exception, with more than one thousand search results on NPR.

The real name of this gorgeous flower that smells like putrid rotting human body is Amorphophallus Titanium which derives its name from Ancient Greek (ἄμορφος amorphos, "without form, misshapen" + φαλλός phallos, "phallus", and Τιτάν Titan, "titan, giant").

Yes, it is called a giant misshapen dick. That also happens to smell like a rotting human body.

We are glad that average penises, while they may be much smaller, are not misshapen and not that smelly.

Thank you.

audio.wav

BIG OL' DOINKS

RIP Young King Dave 🙏 Smoke a big ol' doink in honor today

New Jersey social media champ Young King Dave dies at 19

An aspiring New Jersey rapper famous on the internet for coining the term “smokin’ doinks” died Thursday at just 19 years old, prompting a flood of supportive comments from fans who mourned and celebrated his life.

PhillyVoicePhillyVoice Staff

quantized_quotes

Penis mightier than the sword.

- Edward Bulwer-Lytton, 1839

Sometimes, you gotta suck some dick. Sometimes, the dick you gotta suck is your own.

- yӭ𐦤⚇⍕⍑

Why is it that little kids joke about penises, but not vaginas? Is this negatively contributing to their development?

- ƴΐ⍧ի⍲e⌊

God is the amalgamation of everything we don't understand.

- ƴΐ⍧ի⍲e⌊

sex.mov

One of the best way to undo all the subconscious hand-wringing we do about sex is to just science the fuck out of it. Here is science:

prompts.bib

• Cover:
  • /imagine an eggplant and a donut are lying in bed together:: photorealistic:: an eggplant is in bed with a donut --v 5.2
• 𝖆𝖗𝐭𝖎𝖋𝖆𝐜𝐭 1:
  • /imagine A produce aisle with eggplants, cucumbers, bananas
• 𝖆𝖗𝐭𝖎𝖋𝖆𝐜𝐭 2:
  • /imagine Two circles:: One rubbery bagel:: One creamy donut
• 𝖆𝖗𝐭𝖎𝖋𝖆𝐜𝐭 3:
  • /imagine an ugly, horrible looking ,acne ridden, skinny artist wearing a big t shirt --v 5.1