I've been on a post-graduation celebration of sorts.

A day after graduation, I visited Yosemite for 3 days with my family for the first time in my life, having drank the day before and of graduation and driven 4 hours hungover.

A few days after my family left, I flew to Boston to attend a friend's wedding, drove to Cape Cod for the first time in my life, and continued to drink for 3 days straight.

After the wedding, I had a day left in Boston, so I looked through LinkedIn, which is the only reliable place to find out where my friends are now that no one is on Facebook. I found a close friend from college, who I've been meaning to call for a while – and got to smoke up like we used to.

"Unplug for a bit," they say.
"You'll find a job," they say.
"Try to relax and enjoy yourself a little bit," they say.

Did I relax these past 10 days? I mean, what does it even mean to 'relax'?

I definitely don't feel rested.

I'm physically tired – from all the drinking, driving (not in that order), flying, ride-hailing, meeting, introducing, talking, socializing, planning, planning, planning, and being on an itinerary after itinerary.

I'm mentally tired too – spending quality time with family, attending a wedding where you don't know anyone, and catching up with an old friend – are all exhausting activities to navigate and persist through.

Did I at least relax?

I guess I at least ignored all the responsibilities I could've completed during the hours of downtime between the travels. But it was looming in the back of my mind, any way – the background process keeping track of all the unchecked boxes of my mind.

It didn't take up a lot of space in my mind, though. Does that mean I was relaxing a bit? Not giving as much space to the work and worries of my world? Most of the times just hanging out, and quickly forgetting when I do think about the list again?

I don't know, that part doesn't feel as relaxed.

But I did feel some relaxation.

I felt relaxed that, despite being jetlagged and hungover and tired and reticent and far – apart between the time we spent together rlast, that I made fun memories with my family that I'll never forget. Memories to remember by when we're old.

I felt relaxed that, my friend has met someone who will be a great fit for him, and that he has many, many amazing friends and family around him to support him. And that I got to be there on his big day, laugh and drink and crack stupid jokes and spend our time together. Memories to smile about when we're old.

I felt relaxed, most importantly, after seeing my college friend doing better. He had been through a devastating addiction throughout the pandemic. I wasn't able to help him, besides giving him time and nonchalance. I didn't know how he was doing. I just knew I had to see him.

He was still struggling, but doing much, much better. His parents and siblings recently had deep dysfunctions, he was recently unemployed and trying to make ends meet, and still managing his addiction and depression. But he was 6 months clean, fully in terms with his past, vigilant about his present, and  'slowly but steadily' working on his future. He laughed just like I remember.

We smoked a lot and talked, while I was helping him clean his apartment. We talked about everything he's been through and learned about. Just like we used to back in college. Memories to teach me to be a better person, when we're old.

This part – of trying to have meaningful moments – felt a little relaxed.

It's a fucking fast-paced, out-of-control, self-induced life.

It feels good to be the li'l son and bro to my mom and my sister.

It feels good to see my bro crush it in life.

It feels great to see my bro crushed by life stand back up.

Bros help me be relaxed.

So this week's noise goes out to all the bros, the best and the worst ones.

some things from the whole thing; excerpts

The Mo'ai

The mo’ai are the statues of Easter Island. Those big heads have stood sentry to that island for a long ass time. If the mo’ai were to communicate vocally, it would probably sound something like this:

mmww~~WWWwwwoo=~aaaaaaaaaAAAAAA

it also might sound like this:

heeee••yeeeewwWWWW~~OAOAOAOHhhhnnnnn

but it certainly wouldn’t sound like this:

hhaaa○◘○◘iiiieeeeeeAAAA```aaaHHMMMmmm

I’ll bet anything that those statues are eternally tortured by their boring lives. They do not move and do not speak, they see the same things every day. Nothing surprises them, not even the shooting stars at night.

The mo’ai were the original GigaChads. The gamma male podcast elite statues which put all other statues to shame. Nobody could compete with the pure mass and power of the mo’ai and nobody really wanted to try.

There have been mo’ai statues imbued with a height greater than 10 metres and weighed at greater than 86 tonnes (84.6 tons). Anyone who fucked with the mo’ai got nowhere as they were simply too beefy to crush. The only force the statues ever succumbed to was the force of nature, which still only managed to bury their jacked bodies up to the neck in dirt.

In recent years, there has been a lot of confusion on the internet regarding incels. Incels are generally regarded as creepy misogynistic men because their central tenet is the inability to get laid (”incel” is derived from INvoluntary CELibate). Luckily, there are heroes such as Andrew Tate who can serve as a guiding light to these poor souls, and these heroes would never have existed without the precedent set by the mo’ai.

The mo’ai were the first beings in the universe to ever let their barbells slam to the floor in a crowded gym. They invented BCAAs and creatine and played a central role in the development of the Easter Island tradition, mirror humping. Without the mo’ai, a whole generation of lost swoles would have no idea what to do when faced with an able bodied, attractive mirror.

Of the many contributions the mo’ai have made to the heavens and the oceans in between, none are so fine as their contribution to house music. Using periodic frequencies undetectable by the human ear, the mo’ai developed house music over a particularly dark and stormy millennia. Pioneers such as HHEEEyy○◘○◘mmw♦♦♦yy (pronounced he-yom-woy) charged the way with revolutionary beats, followed only in by the trailblazing wubs of SSTT+++AAAP•P•P (pronounced, steven) which inspired a new generation of house artists.

Without the mo’ai, we would be struggling to find podcast sponsors like Athletic Greens, Betterhelp, or Alpha Brain by Onnit. Think about the millions of poor podcast hosts that couldn’t do what they love if it weren’t for the economic ecosystem fueled by the mo’ai.

These statues aren’t just the most swole, dankest, animalistic megabros to ever walk the Earth, they’re also my friends. Next time you’re scooping up a large plastic cup of organic whey protein powder, remember to think of the mo’ai. I can’t think of the hellish landscape we’d be living in if it weren’t for their societal contributions. If you love them, they will love you too. If you hate them, they will reign terror on your family and clone your voice using AI. Choose wisely.

adding a thing to a thing; remixes

Mo AI facts

• There are 887 mo'ai bros hanging out on the island
• Some of them are smaller bros like 5 ft tall, and overcompensating for their small stature and penis. Some of them are big bros like 33 ft tall.
• Moais were the first cool bros who went hard on biohacking and alternative consciousness. They did so much of volcanic crack, including tuff, red scoria, trachyte, and basalt (pronounced ‘bath salts’), and they are practically made of them.
• Moais may be the descendents of Rapa Nui (pronounced "Rapper New-ee") people, which in polynesian means 'Big Rapper'.
• Easter Island got its name because a Dutch bro found the island on Easter Sunday, April 5th, 1722, which means it was probably April 4th back in European Central Time, which the Catholic Church prefers. The bro had named it "Paasch-Eyland", pronounced 'posh island', due to the luxurious living conditions of the elite mo'ai society.

This Week in Pandemic History:

May 30, 2020 – David Guetta makes a tribute to George Floyd at an MLS event in NYC. It is widely regarded as the worst tribute of all time. Shoutout to his family.

things that sense and get incensed by signals; shorts

propaganja_news

• US Federal Government demonstrates democracy at work with its regularly scheduled manufactured crises; successfully makes small changes and loud noises
• The US projected to die as a nation before its 500th birthday, in A.D. 2276.
• Area basketball player picks up soccer for a change

quantized_quotes

Trying is the first step towards failure

- Anonymous

Jesus will move mountains for you
if you bring a shovel

- Anonymous

People will lose more money in AI than in crypto

- Dror Poleg, Historian, on The Compound & Friends #94

loopy_tunes

The sheer wubba-lubba-dub-dub of the mo'ai house beats have changed the fate of broification of music. One possible successor may be Max Cooper. While this electronic music producer and visual artist is not physically swole, his art is simply jacked beyond imagination. His art frequently explores the intersection of science, technology, and philosophy. His music has been described stupidly as "intelligent dance music", which even the intelligent dancers are yet to figure out what it means. His performance shows his ripped muscles for sound design and video installations. In celebration of mo'ais and more intelligent artifices around us, here is